I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
