He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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