i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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