youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
