Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
