he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize