If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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