you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
