Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
