I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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