i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
