I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i think i just lost a toe
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
