There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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