I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
