I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
