kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
