Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
