the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
