I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
