So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
