FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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