Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
