Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
