i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
