At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
