Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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