wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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