the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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