I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
