I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
