I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
