I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
