Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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