i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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