Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
