I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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