So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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