Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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