umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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