I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
