I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
did i walk over a car last night?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
