If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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