just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
