I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
