My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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