Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
