She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
