i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i drank out of a bidet.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
