My nipple is on Facebook.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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