she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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