I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
