No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
