It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
