you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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