Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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